This page is where I post all sound-lab related assignments.
SEP. 14TH: GRAPHIC SCORE ASSIGNMENT; MY PERSONAL GRAPHIC SCORE
voice_001__2_.m4a | |
File Size: | 474 kb |
File Type: | m4a |
NOTE: I was unable to upload the audio directly onto the computer, so I had to leave a downloadable file.
SEP. 20TH: INCORPORATING INCLUSIVE AWARENESS & KINESTHESIA
Mis-mapping certain areas of my body, especially the organs associated with singing, has been a mistake I've been making for far too many years. This week I noticed the difference it makes to have a visual understanding of how the inner body works and why. For example, I had a really poor understanding of how the diaphragm actually moves, so when I was continually asked to sing from “the core,” I kept using unnecessary muscles and actions, like pushing out my stomach (although it felt completely unnatural) to show that I am, as the teacher would ask me, “singing from the bottom.” However, I now understand that what was being meant, was to have more control of the diaphragm and intercostal muscles associated with breathing. This mere understanding allows me to navigate my breath more freely, and at the least, not force myself to push out my stomach in an awkward, unnatural way. (Not a cute look, by the way.)
Another, more general observation I noticed, was how nice it felt to pay more attention to my body and how it moves. Both in music and in daily life, I often disregard what I am physically feeling and concentrate more on result of the sound in my voice or what goes on around me in daily life. The mere act of looking inward and sparking the curiosity of “oh wait, how does that really work?” has helped me to feel more grounded and in control of what I do with my body. I feel less like it’s this non-navigable vehicle and that it’s not as complicated as I often think it is. The body, as I found through proper body-mapping, is merely just like a living construction...which it is, essentially.
Another, more general observation I noticed, was how nice it felt to pay more attention to my body and how it moves. Both in music and in daily life, I often disregard what I am physically feeling and concentrate more on result of the sound in my voice or what goes on around me in daily life. The mere act of looking inward and sparking the curiosity of “oh wait, how does that really work?” has helped me to feel more grounded and in control of what I do with my body. I feel less like it’s this non-navigable vehicle and that it’s not as complicated as I often think it is. The body, as I found through proper body-mapping, is merely just like a living construction...which it is, essentially.
SEP. 27TH: LEADERSHIP EXERCISE
Being a musician can often be daunting and a little bit lonely. As musicians, we often feel as though our struggles are personal to us and that we are 'not good enough' and it is easy to compare ourselves to others. In my exercise, I hope to unite and assure my peers that challenges and discomfort is a normal part of being a musician, and most importantly, that we are all in this together. (Though it may seem highly individualistic.)
The exercise consists of finding a partner in the room, regardless of what instrument they play, and sharing for a few minutes 3 struggles they experience as a musician (it can be specific, like not being able to produce a certain sound, or more general, like comparing oneself too much to others) as well as 3 things they feel they do well as a musician, or enjoy about their instrument/music in general. Each partner takes turns. To add a bit more fun to this, finding a partner should be done by having everyone close their eyes and walk around the room until the teacher says "stop" and the students find the closest person to them, as to find someone completely random. At the end, we would go around in a circle and each say something we learned from hearing other musicians speak about their struggle and about what they enjoy.
There are several goals in this exercise: 1) Creating an outlet and a safe space to discuss issues that may otherwise be swept under the rug. 2) Learning about the common struggles of other instrumentalists/vocalists. 3) Applying what others are going through to perhaps aid oneself in their own struggles. 4) Shining the light on what we do well as musicians, since it can be easy to be too critical as well.
Being a musician can often be daunting and a little bit lonely. As musicians, we often feel as though our struggles are personal to us and that we are 'not good enough' and it is easy to compare ourselves to others. In my exercise, I hope to unite and assure my peers that challenges and discomfort is a normal part of being a musician, and most importantly, that we are all in this together. (Though it may seem highly individualistic.)
The exercise consists of finding a partner in the room, regardless of what instrument they play, and sharing for a few minutes 3 struggles they experience as a musician (it can be specific, like not being able to produce a certain sound, or more general, like comparing oneself too much to others) as well as 3 things they feel they do well as a musician, or enjoy about their instrument/music in general. Each partner takes turns. To add a bit more fun to this, finding a partner should be done by having everyone close their eyes and walk around the room until the teacher says "stop" and the students find the closest person to them, as to find someone completely random. At the end, we would go around in a circle and each say something we learned from hearing other musicians speak about their struggle and about what they enjoy.
There are several goals in this exercise: 1) Creating an outlet and a safe space to discuss issues that may otherwise be swept under the rug. 2) Learning about the common struggles of other instrumentalists/vocalists. 3) Applying what others are going through to perhaps aid oneself in their own struggles. 4) Shining the light on what we do well as musicians, since it can be easy to be too critical as well.
OCT.4TH 2019: REFLECTION NO. 4: BODY PERCUSSION
OCT. 15TH: RESPONSE TO MODERN FIRST NATIONS/METIS/INUIT MUSIC
In discovering various First Nations, Metis and Inuit artists, I was shocked at how tastefully these artists - Jeremy Dutcher among them - brought together modern-sounding music with their traditional music. I'm surprised much of this music isn't more popular than it is; not only would increasing its popularity be beneficial to spreading awareness of "Native" culture, but it also deserves to be noticed for its high quality music. "Koselwintuwakon" is a song by Jeremy Dutcher that translates to "Love Song". This song, naturally is inspired by love, which marks the ending of his album (which begins with a song about death). This I find to be symbolic of resilience and a type of rebirth of perhaps, culture and language. Jeremy Dutcher does an amazing job at incorporating indigenous language and culture into the technology of today's era - however, I would like to have been able to find more explanation online about his songs and the meaning behind them. I found it rather challenging to do so.
OCT. 27TH: SOUND LAB REFLECTION NO. 7
As musicians, we have all been burdened at some point with the anxiety of not feeling good enough - either a bad performance, or a hurdle in practicing that we just can't get over, it is common among all of us. I remember a time when i was performing at a provincial festival for piano and I was extremely nervous. I already had issues with performance anxiety revolving around music, however playing at the provincials was a big deal for me and I felt a huge sense of 'imposter syndrome' thinking that I surely mustn't be practicing enough to be as good as the other competitors. (Even though I was, and I knew my pieces inside-out; it was just this anxiety of not being good enough that got me down.) Soon it was time for my performance, and by then I had been practicing up to 4 hours a day in preparation for this competition. As I sat down to play, I was horrified to find that I felt absolutely paralyzed. I could not remember even my first notes. The anxiety quickly progressed, and I could feel everybody's stare as I sat in silence unable to begin. I blindly plunked out my first chords and the sound was like nails of chalkboard - I must've been in the wrong key, or I don't even remember, but I could not play the right notes. I stopped. closed my eyes and took a deep breath and thought, well, it can't get any worse from here, and felt a strange sense of relief before beginning again. The piece was fine after that, despite still shaking from my rough beginning, and eventually i felt as though the performance didn't go too bad. But, of course, due to my terrible beginning, I didn't place and felt awful after playing. As in the 'patterns of joy' article, I began to quickly notice that my anxiety in performance had much deeper roots than just being anxious. I had to analyze the reason I felt that way. I wasn't performing because I enjoyed it and felt as though I was doing it for the purpose of sharing - rather, because I felt like there was competition and a certain standard that the audience was expecting, and that, if I do not meet those standards, I will seem a failure. After that performance, I kept reminding myself the following things: 1) the audience isn't there to judge or to want to hear you do poorly. They are there to hear what it is about the music that you enjoy and how you bring it to the table. 2) You are not competing, you are sharing. What is it about the piece you're playing, besides the notes themselves, that you would like to show to the audience? 3) You might not be practicing enough. There is something to be said about learning something to the point of physically being unable to play it wrong. 4) Your body experiences the same physical sensations when you're excited and when you're nervous. The decision is up to the brain of how to interpret these sensations. So instead of thinking "I'm so nervous about this performance", shift your thinking to "I just can't wait to show these people how beautiful this piece is and how much I love it."
After taking these shifts in mentality seriously, I actually did find performing piano a little easier. It's still not easy to the point of having it feel like an other old thing, but at least now, having analyzed the roots of my anxiety, I feel like it's more of a healthy level of performance anxiety. This ties in well with the type of sensations that Ghislaine was feeling with her art: feeling like it needs to be good enough and a lot of personal doubt that comes with wanting to meet that expectation. Failure is normal, healthy and to be expected. It is how we grow as humans and as musicians. If we can focus more on sorting out the psychological and emotional barriers behind our struggles as artists, musicians, or in everyday situations, I think we will find our life a lot more balanced and confident, coming from the inside out.
As musicians, we have all been burdened at some point with the anxiety of not feeling good enough - either a bad performance, or a hurdle in practicing that we just can't get over, it is common among all of us. I remember a time when i was performing at a provincial festival for piano and I was extremely nervous. I already had issues with performance anxiety revolving around music, however playing at the provincials was a big deal for me and I felt a huge sense of 'imposter syndrome' thinking that I surely mustn't be practicing enough to be as good as the other competitors. (Even though I was, and I knew my pieces inside-out; it was just this anxiety of not being good enough that got me down.) Soon it was time for my performance, and by then I had been practicing up to 4 hours a day in preparation for this competition. As I sat down to play, I was horrified to find that I felt absolutely paralyzed. I could not remember even my first notes. The anxiety quickly progressed, and I could feel everybody's stare as I sat in silence unable to begin. I blindly plunked out my first chords and the sound was like nails of chalkboard - I must've been in the wrong key, or I don't even remember, but I could not play the right notes. I stopped. closed my eyes and took a deep breath and thought, well, it can't get any worse from here, and felt a strange sense of relief before beginning again. The piece was fine after that, despite still shaking from my rough beginning, and eventually i felt as though the performance didn't go too bad. But, of course, due to my terrible beginning, I didn't place and felt awful after playing. As in the 'patterns of joy' article, I began to quickly notice that my anxiety in performance had much deeper roots than just being anxious. I had to analyze the reason I felt that way. I wasn't performing because I enjoyed it and felt as though I was doing it for the purpose of sharing - rather, because I felt like there was competition and a certain standard that the audience was expecting, and that, if I do not meet those standards, I will seem a failure. After that performance, I kept reminding myself the following things: 1) the audience isn't there to judge or to want to hear you do poorly. They are there to hear what it is about the music that you enjoy and how you bring it to the table. 2) You are not competing, you are sharing. What is it about the piece you're playing, besides the notes themselves, that you would like to show to the audience? 3) You might not be practicing enough. There is something to be said about learning something to the point of physically being unable to play it wrong. 4) Your body experiences the same physical sensations when you're excited and when you're nervous. The decision is up to the brain of how to interpret these sensations. So instead of thinking "I'm so nervous about this performance", shift your thinking to "I just can't wait to show these people how beautiful this piece is and how much I love it."
After taking these shifts in mentality seriously, I actually did find performing piano a little easier. It's still not easy to the point of having it feel like an other old thing, but at least now, having analyzed the roots of my anxiety, I feel like it's more of a healthy level of performance anxiety. This ties in well with the type of sensations that Ghislaine was feeling with her art: feeling like it needs to be good enough and a lot of personal doubt that comes with wanting to meet that expectation. Failure is normal, healthy and to be expected. It is how we grow as humans and as musicians. If we can focus more on sorting out the psychological and emotional barriers behind our struggles as artists, musicians, or in everyday situations, I think we will find our life a lot more balanced and confident, coming from the inside out.
NOV. 11: REFLECTION NO. 8
Target practice is an idea I've been subconsciously doing for some time now. I really appreciated reading this article and having this idea be put into words, and more so, into logical sense. I love this approach of learning for it is much more stimulating, motivating, and all around healthy than simply beating oneself up for not being 100%, or not 'hitting the target." This method is something I've been applying to several aspects of learning to sing, such as proper breathing. Breath management has always been a struggle for me, so needless to say, I've been putting a lot of time and effort into breathing properly when I sing. Something we would do with my professor is practice breathing too high and tense (in my upper rib cage) and contrast that with too low and unsupported of a breath, to eventually find a natural, easy and supported breath in the middle. It's still something that doesn't come to me easily, but anytime that I need a refresher on how to properly breathe, I try doing it wrong a couple of times in order to ease my way into feeling what it would feel like to do it right.
Target practice is an idea I've been subconsciously doing for some time now. I really appreciated reading this article and having this idea be put into words, and more so, into logical sense. I love this approach of learning for it is much more stimulating, motivating, and all around healthy than simply beating oneself up for not being 100%, or not 'hitting the target." This method is something I've been applying to several aspects of learning to sing, such as proper breathing. Breath management has always been a struggle for me, so needless to say, I've been putting a lot of time and effort into breathing properly when I sing. Something we would do with my professor is practice breathing too high and tense (in my upper rib cage) and contrast that with too low and unsupported of a breath, to eventually find a natural, easy and supported breath in the middle. It's still something that doesn't come to me easily, but anytime that I need a refresher on how to properly breathe, I try doing it wrong a couple of times in order to ease my way into feeling what it would feel like to do it right.
NOV.14: REFLECTION NO.9
_ Reflection no.1: Today, I am experimenting with my upper passaggio in my voice while practicing in the practice room. It has been an issue I've been facing for a long time - that is, navigating my secondo passaggio and accessing an even tone throughout my passaggio without "flipping" into my upper register. Today, I don't need to accomplish a perfect sound or a perfect even feeling - I'm just experimenting with adding and taking away resonance, as well as adjustment of glottal and "tummy" air pressure. The result was a very tired voice as I experimented with using my full voice up top (which was kind of like yelling) but also, I found that I m able to make a fairly soft tone in my higher register which I found facilitated the 'switch' between registers
- Reflection no.2: In my lesson today, my experiment consists of completely submitting myself to the advice of my teacher and paying zero attention to my default way of singing - regardless of how 'bad' the sound is. I found that in doing so, I was able to put more of my trust into my professor and let go of a lot of tension and self-criticism I had earlier. The sound that I produced was rather ugly at first, and felt unlike what I was used to - however, it felt easy. This unusual sound I was producing sounded wrong at first, however I was assured that it was a personally ground-breaking revelation for me and that this was fundamentally where we should begin developing a healthy singing tone. It is still a new concept for me but I think I will more often surrender myself to the advice of my teacher - which should help me with navigating this delicate instrument.
- Reflection no.3: Today's experiment is done in choir practice. I am making a conscious decision to ignore my tendency to think too hard about how I sound or trying to 'sing over' my peers. I found that I was generally enjoying the music a lot more when I did this, and that the more I tried to sound 'good', the more fatigued and unnatural my voice felt. I was able to really tune in to the other parts and hear the harmonies a lot clearer , and I left practice that day not feeling tired as I normally would.
_ Reflection no.1: Today, I am experimenting with my upper passaggio in my voice while practicing in the practice room. It has been an issue I've been facing for a long time - that is, navigating my secondo passaggio and accessing an even tone throughout my passaggio without "flipping" into my upper register. Today, I don't need to accomplish a perfect sound or a perfect even feeling - I'm just experimenting with adding and taking away resonance, as well as adjustment of glottal and "tummy" air pressure. The result was a very tired voice as I experimented with using my full voice up top (which was kind of like yelling) but also, I found that I m able to make a fairly soft tone in my higher register which I found facilitated the 'switch' between registers
- Reflection no.2: In my lesson today, my experiment consists of completely submitting myself to the advice of my teacher and paying zero attention to my default way of singing - regardless of how 'bad' the sound is. I found that in doing so, I was able to put more of my trust into my professor and let go of a lot of tension and self-criticism I had earlier. The sound that I produced was rather ugly at first, and felt unlike what I was used to - however, it felt easy. This unusual sound I was producing sounded wrong at first, however I was assured that it was a personally ground-breaking revelation for me and that this was fundamentally where we should begin developing a healthy singing tone. It is still a new concept for me but I think I will more often surrender myself to the advice of my teacher - which should help me with navigating this delicate instrument.
- Reflection no.3: Today's experiment is done in choir practice. I am making a conscious decision to ignore my tendency to think too hard about how I sound or trying to 'sing over' my peers. I found that I was generally enjoying the music a lot more when I did this, and that the more I tried to sound 'good', the more fatigued and unnatural my voice felt. I was able to really tune in to the other parts and hear the harmonies a lot clearer , and I left practice that day not feeling tired as I normally would.
REFLECTION #10: NOV.23
http://www.learningmethods.com/posture--the-great-big-rump.htm
Excessive sitting and ill posture is something I've known to be very detrimental to the human physical well-being, as Drengenberg clearly points out. However, I enjoyed reading about possible strategies of incorporating healthier sitting and posture habits, and as the article points out, often this is hard to do without over-concentrating on it and feeling like it's a chore. I found this quote most helpful: "When you do allow a relaxed and open awareness like that, your 'body' will in turn be open and relaxed and free. How we are is also how our 'body' is, they're not different things. How could our bodies not be us, at the same time as our minds?" Similarly, I was reminded of how Orlena had said in class how it actually takes more energy for the body to be slouched and imitate a 'tired' position - when I kept this in mind, I felt physically more free and less tense than I had been when I was always slouching and looking 'tired'.
http://www.learningmethods.com/by-intention-alone.htm
Intention is a tricky concept I, like most singers, am still trying to comprehend. I found this article interesting on many levels, and especially resonated with Marion's little trick of picturing an object a few feet away when performing to achieve a certain sound. I too have a mind trick I use to help with achieving adequate volume in singing, and that is imagining that the room is twice as big an that there is a person listening in every inch of the room. This makes me more aware of the space that I'm in, and that it needs to be filled with sound. I also really liked Marione's approach to experimentation with sound, and how it is okay to not achieve something significant with every experimentation. I think that we often avoid such exploration of our bodies and techniques because we are afraid that it will fail. If we approach it from a purely curious standpoint, as Marione did, then you're setting yourself up for a more productive and healthy mentality that will take you much farther than simply aiming to succeed.
REFLECTION NO. 11 (NOV.28TH)
I love the idea of goal-setting. When I look back at my life, almost all personal achievements and 'level-ups' happened due to goal setting and the proper growth-like mentality. I found, however, that sometimes I would set too many or too high of goals, almost unrealistic in certain situations, leaving me ultimately disappointed when I could not achieve them. So, back in my first week at Western, I remember mentioning to the class that my goal was to eat more veggies and to sleep enough every night, thinking that it was a comically easy-sounding goal and that I couldn't possibly disappoint myself with a goal like that. With classes starting two hours later than I was used to in high school, and despite adjusting to the Ontario time zone, I found it easy with how I was able to fit in 8 hours of sleep a night - and this made a huge difference for me. I was able to handle all the social, academic, physical, mental and emotional adjustments associated with starting university much easier than had I not been sleeping enough every night. I would make a spinach and celery smoothie every night and make sure to have some fruit with every breakfast - so the eating habits were going well, too. I felt pretty good. I know that these two simplistic goals helped with a lot of anxiety that would've most likely otherwise spiraled into something serious. Recently, in the past couple of weeks, however, I've been struggling once again with the concept of sleeping enough and I've let go of my good eating habits due to large amounts of stress, and I can feel myself reverting back to my old habits, which have already driven me into physical non-well-being, including frequent migraines and an inability to do work as well as I normally would. It is, once again, something I'm determined to prioritize - that is, my health - so that I can physically, and thus mentally be in the state to do my life well.
On a more emotional note, I've started to experience a a kind of persisting feeling of loneliness or isolation which I could not shrug off since about October. I couldn't explain it to myself - I have family that loves me and lots of people to talk to at school. Here's what I think might explain the situation better: I live off-campus, and almost alone. I live with my dad, technically, but he's away at work for days, sometimes weeks at a time and comes home for a few days. Normally I am one to enjoy my own company and solitude, but recently I just kept feeling like everyone at school was building such close friendships with their house/roommates and I just couldn't help feeling left out all the time. I knew I had to work on feeling self-sufficient, regardless of my living situation. For whatever reason, I didn't find myself close enough with most of my friends from BC to be discussing my worries to them, and anytime I would talk to anyone about this feeling, I'd end up feeling more desperate and overall worse. This nagging feeling grew up until now, and I sometimes continue to feel like I'm annoying my friends or am too clingy. I just didn't feel like a lot of my affection or interest was reciprocated in the same way. (Not that anyone has been mistreating me, everyone has been very kind and as helpful as they could be - this was me simply being paranoid that I am 'unlovable.') I knew this was a problem I had to figure out within myself, and fast. I know I always had a little bit of a complex associated with lack of self-confidence, and I don't know where it came from. But I do know that this is the beginning of my journey to really once and for all find and understand my inner self-worth - to love myself. I need to understand that my worth does NOT rely on someone else's perception or validation of me. Furthermore, I cannot expect to be genuinely loved, appreciated and respected by others before I learn to love, respect and appreciate myself.
For example, the other day, I had a really unfortunate performance, and it was our first studio performance of the year. Since I'm going through some vocal adjustments in my training right now, I had a few notes that were, well, really off, and I also messed up the rhythm of my song, ultimately resulting in one of the most poor performances I've ever given. I felt really down, especially because I knew that there were so many people there that night watching me that I knew, and I was worried they'd think I can't really sing. That's when I caught myself, yet again, with the lack of self worth and confidence. Because, what others think of me is actually none of my business, and as long as I know what I am doing and that I am progressing, nothing else should matter!
There are many goals I have set for next semester, but my ultimate and most important personal goal will be to value and love myself. I will learn to stop feeling like I depend on other's validation of me to be me; I will stop making the concept of having a bunch of ride-or-die friends a priority, and rather, prioritize myself; I will find love within myself and spread that around me, instead of the doubt and insecurity I have been manifesting earlier; I will be patient with myself, because I am human like everyone else and I am going at my own speed, and I will get there. I will be kind to my body, because everyday it fights to keep me alive and well. I will be kind to my spirit, because it is well-intentioned and just needs help every now and then. Here I am, as I am. I am enough. I am valuable. I cannot be taken away from. I am worthy of love. Everything I need is already inside of me. Be patient with yourself, you're doing the best you can.
I love the idea of goal-setting. When I look back at my life, almost all personal achievements and 'level-ups' happened due to goal setting and the proper growth-like mentality. I found, however, that sometimes I would set too many or too high of goals, almost unrealistic in certain situations, leaving me ultimately disappointed when I could not achieve them. So, back in my first week at Western, I remember mentioning to the class that my goal was to eat more veggies and to sleep enough every night, thinking that it was a comically easy-sounding goal and that I couldn't possibly disappoint myself with a goal like that. With classes starting two hours later than I was used to in high school, and despite adjusting to the Ontario time zone, I found it easy with how I was able to fit in 8 hours of sleep a night - and this made a huge difference for me. I was able to handle all the social, academic, physical, mental and emotional adjustments associated with starting university much easier than had I not been sleeping enough every night. I would make a spinach and celery smoothie every night and make sure to have some fruit with every breakfast - so the eating habits were going well, too. I felt pretty good. I know that these two simplistic goals helped with a lot of anxiety that would've most likely otherwise spiraled into something serious. Recently, in the past couple of weeks, however, I've been struggling once again with the concept of sleeping enough and I've let go of my good eating habits due to large amounts of stress, and I can feel myself reverting back to my old habits, which have already driven me into physical non-well-being, including frequent migraines and an inability to do work as well as I normally would. It is, once again, something I'm determined to prioritize - that is, my health - so that I can physically, and thus mentally be in the state to do my life well.
On a more emotional note, I've started to experience a a kind of persisting feeling of loneliness or isolation which I could not shrug off since about October. I couldn't explain it to myself - I have family that loves me and lots of people to talk to at school. Here's what I think might explain the situation better: I live off-campus, and almost alone. I live with my dad, technically, but he's away at work for days, sometimes weeks at a time and comes home for a few days. Normally I am one to enjoy my own company and solitude, but recently I just kept feeling like everyone at school was building such close friendships with their house/roommates and I just couldn't help feeling left out all the time. I knew I had to work on feeling self-sufficient, regardless of my living situation. For whatever reason, I didn't find myself close enough with most of my friends from BC to be discussing my worries to them, and anytime I would talk to anyone about this feeling, I'd end up feeling more desperate and overall worse. This nagging feeling grew up until now, and I sometimes continue to feel like I'm annoying my friends or am too clingy. I just didn't feel like a lot of my affection or interest was reciprocated in the same way. (Not that anyone has been mistreating me, everyone has been very kind and as helpful as they could be - this was me simply being paranoid that I am 'unlovable.') I knew this was a problem I had to figure out within myself, and fast. I know I always had a little bit of a complex associated with lack of self-confidence, and I don't know where it came from. But I do know that this is the beginning of my journey to really once and for all find and understand my inner self-worth - to love myself. I need to understand that my worth does NOT rely on someone else's perception or validation of me. Furthermore, I cannot expect to be genuinely loved, appreciated and respected by others before I learn to love, respect and appreciate myself.
For example, the other day, I had a really unfortunate performance, and it was our first studio performance of the year. Since I'm going through some vocal adjustments in my training right now, I had a few notes that were, well, really off, and I also messed up the rhythm of my song, ultimately resulting in one of the most poor performances I've ever given. I felt really down, especially because I knew that there were so many people there that night watching me that I knew, and I was worried they'd think I can't really sing. That's when I caught myself, yet again, with the lack of self worth and confidence. Because, what others think of me is actually none of my business, and as long as I know what I am doing and that I am progressing, nothing else should matter!
There are many goals I have set for next semester, but my ultimate and most important personal goal will be to value and love myself. I will learn to stop feeling like I depend on other's validation of me to be me; I will stop making the concept of having a bunch of ride-or-die friends a priority, and rather, prioritize myself; I will find love within myself and spread that around me, instead of the doubt and insecurity I have been manifesting earlier; I will be patient with myself, because I am human like everyone else and I am going at my own speed, and I will get there. I will be kind to my body, because everyday it fights to keep me alive and well. I will be kind to my spirit, because it is well-intentioned and just needs help every now and then. Here I am, as I am. I am enough. I am valuable. I cannot be taken away from. I am worthy of love. Everything I need is already inside of me. Be patient with yourself, you're doing the best you can.
REFLECTION #12: BRENE BROWN ON DARING CLASSROOMS
I found this talk extremely insightful and it gave me much to think about. I never felt like there really was a difference between shame, guilt, and humiliation, however Brene Brown explained that they are in fact almost opposite of each other. Personally, I've experienced shame in various ways (mainly putting ti upon myself) and as I'm transforming into the more self-sufficient version of myself, I found this video most helpful and educational. As a musician, I understand that at some point or another, I will end up teaching. and with this comes a very large responsibility. I know that a lot of what students absorb from their lessons and classes is not only related to the material presented, but also dependent on how the teacher presents this material. We are so impressionable as children (and not only), and making children feel like they are the root of their problems (be it being "messy" instead of just having made a mess. or anything on a larger scale), truly is traumatic, and we know that most, if not all mental and emotional issues complexes face are rooted in their childhood. I hope, as a future teacher, to implement am environment where everyone can learn to understand that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather a strength, and that one's value is never decreased based on anything it is that they do say, or are.
I found this talk extremely insightful and it gave me much to think about. I never felt like there really was a difference between shame, guilt, and humiliation, however Brene Brown explained that they are in fact almost opposite of each other. Personally, I've experienced shame in various ways (mainly putting ti upon myself) and as I'm transforming into the more self-sufficient version of myself, I found this video most helpful and educational. As a musician, I understand that at some point or another, I will end up teaching. and with this comes a very large responsibility. I know that a lot of what students absorb from their lessons and classes is not only related to the material presented, but also dependent on how the teacher presents this material. We are so impressionable as children (and not only), and making children feel like they are the root of their problems (be it being "messy" instead of just having made a mess. or anything on a larger scale), truly is traumatic, and we know that most, if not all mental and emotional issues complexes face are rooted in their childhood. I hope, as a future teacher, to implement am environment where everyone can learn to understand that vulnerability is not a weakness, but rather a strength, and that one's value is never decreased based on anything it is that they do say, or are.